


Deep in Thought

by nofrankinway



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-13 15:24:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3386726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofrankinway/pseuds/nofrankinway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hes always in his mind. Thinking about the horrors that haunt him. He does his best to deal with them but, sometimes its not enough. He wants to be cared for, to be loved. He'll take it anyway he can get it. Tormented by everyone, but Frank, who just wants to help him. Can he save Gerard or will Gerard be completely lost.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>i should probably warn you all about like the content as it might be triggering, so as of now there's an attempted rape, and there might be some goryy stuff later on. maybe self harm? I haven't really determined where to go with it. But there is mention of substance abuse. And there is actual physical abuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

I stood and looked out across the front yard. Looking at what? Nothing. There was nothing that interested me. I just liked the soft glow of the moon drifting in through the window and the cool glass underneath my finger tips. I couldn't look out for long, too many loud words would be thrown at me if i did. I turned slowly and snuck back to my room. Was this what life had come too? Sneaking around in my home. No its not a home. A home is a place filled with love. A home is where you feel safe. Then what was this place? 

Touch the walls and feel the horror they have seen. Watch the people and see how faked their words are. Look in the mirror and see the hate that's reflected back on you. Look into his eyes and see how worthless he is. 

Its not a home and I don’t think it will ever be. No amount of love could bring it back. Its more of prison, or an asylum. Too many broken pieces in it. The people, the walls, it's all falling apart. Or maybe its just me. Maybe i'm falling apart and no one sees it. Who knows right? I mean twice I've tried to take the life from my body, and twice I've failed. I should have been better after removing myself from that awful place. For some reason though, i'm not. I'm drinking away the thoughts. I'm crying out for help every night, but maybe i'm not loud enough. I miss being cared for even though it wasn't healthy. I’ll take anyone that'll care, even if they destroy me i will still love them.

So take this as you will, but why do you think that any compassion or love no matter how small it is makes me feel amazing? And that when that person hits me or puts me down, all i can think is they love me. they care for me. Its what's right, you fucked up again. you deserve it. I'm hopeless maybe. I just want love, no matter the price that comes with it.

I’m all alone. I put myself in this position. My room is my sanctuary, but also my prison. I never leave this house anymore. If i do its a fight. Everything's my fault really. I try to escape it. Art, music, drinking, pills, but sometimes its not enough. 

Walks, that's something i somewhat enjoy. Lets me clear my mind, be alone. I only go out when no ones around. See a pattern? Music blasting as a walk. Keeps everything out. 

I'm 16, I took myself out of an advanced school and put myself into an online school. The school is going to let me graduate early. I have nearly all of my credits completed. They don’t want that. I’ll have to stay with them for another year or so after i graduate. then Ill go to one of the state colleges and live in their spare house. What will I go to that college for? Something I ponder on the walks. 

I'm such a disappointment to them. The one that they ignore, but is blamed and beat for everything. I guess that's why when I went out with Jacob, having someone care for me was great. He used me ya, but he cared. Right? Another thought to ponder. 

I have no real friends. I have people i converse with. They know nothing. I run a few successful fan accounts. Talk to people on there. They don’t know. A few people kind of know, a few of them hurt me. Too many thoughts you see, and they don’t like to leave. They sit and fester in my mind, growing and screaming to be thought. Some bourbon helps them relax. One of the pain pills tones their screaming down. Two, four, eight more, and everything will be great. I don’t want that though. I want to live, i think. Another thought, another doubt. What am I? A failure, yes. A disappointment? A mistake? Disgusting? Yes, yes, yes.


	2. Losing Myself

Uninterested. Good word. Lot of people think that that word is one of the best words to describe me. Its true yes. I am uninterested in a lot of things, but they think I’m uninterested in people. I find people very interesting, the way they converse, how their faces contort to different people. How obvious it is that they don’t like the other, but the other doesn't notice. How mothers coo over their children, or rip out their hair in frustration of having children. Or the dominant parents, that have a strong hand on the child's shoulder dragging them about. The child’s face etched with hidden fear. Afraid of what would come to them if they messed up. I was that child. Fear stricken, wordless, submissive child.  
  
Sometimes you mess up, drop something on accident, because its too heavy. You failed, and the container it was in shatters. You look up and see the enraged face. “Why’d you do that? Can’t you handle a single task?” They’d say. Never screaming but their eyes burned into you. You cry and they drag you out. “Shut up! Just be quiet you stupid brat!” Then when the eyes of the public aren't prying anymore…  
  
Too painful, I need to stop, but they’ll come back. I don’t sleep much. I can go days without sleep. Sometimes though I’ll pass out and then wake up crying, and in fear. No one ever hears. Most nights if i want to knock myself out I take a few pills and the warmth envelops me and bam, out cold. No dreams. Somewhat peaceful.   
  
The walls know all that has happened. They hold the fear and the pain, the anger and devastation.  
  
So back to those walks, sometimes they take me random places, sometimes just over to the local Starbucks. I admit to liking the over priced coffee drinks a lot.   
  
I left my house today during the day only because it was overcast. Night walks i prefer, but tonight i just wanted to pass out and have everything black. It was chilly today, as i walked the wind swept through the leaves in the tree. No one was out which was curious, but better for my sake.   
  
I walked with a steady beat.  _thud...thud...thud... thud..._ I wished i hadn't been stupid and destroyed my headphones, because now that's all i could hear.  _thud… thud…_  
  
Closer and closer I got to the shop,  _thud… thud…_ I hated hearing my foot steps, I was better than that. I wonder if i could just run away again, no one would notice. And there was the door to the shop being thrown open and a business lady running out with coffee spilling everywhere. I flinched as the door almost hit me. The door closed and I stood there collecting my breath. It was just a door, i didn't have to freak like that.   
  
“uh hi,” My head shot up to look at who said it. “Are going to stay out here or…?” I met his eyes and looked away quickly. He was cute. Better looking than Jacob-STOP. Why do you bring it up? Why do you always go back there? Because he was the only one to love-   
“um are you okay?” Oh right ya person. His brow was furrowed as i looked up at him quickly. He worked there obviously, since he had the apron on. Oh wait question,   
  
“mhm sorry I’m uhh fine?”   
  
“I don’t think you're okay, if you're asking me.” He frowned more. “I got to get back to work, come in so you don't catch a cold.” He opened the door and I shuffled in mumbling a thanks. He took one last look at me then disappeared through a door. Why did i have to be so… awkward? I didn't even know how to socialize correctly anymore. I realized I had been standing looking into space again thinking when a man rushed by and knocked me over. I sat for a second, then i felt someone touch my shoulder and I jumped away.  
  
“I’m sorry, I startled you, just wanted to see if you were okay because you uh got knocked over” It was the guy again. He offered me his hand but I shook my head and got up quickly mumbling thanks again.   
  
“Frank! Stop flirting and get your ass back to work!” I blushed about the brightest pink at that comment. He smiled at me and disappeared through the door again. I took a deep breath and ordered a black coffee for a bored looking girl.   
  
“Frank!” she yelled, and i recoiled back a bit. I hated screaming, always trouble involved with it. “coffee, black! Get on it!” He came out and started working on it. I watched him carefully.   
  
“Coffee for-” he looked at the cup, then at me. I blinked at him lost for words. He raised his eyebrow at me, still holding the cup. Why? Oh! My name!   
  
“G-Gerard?” I stuttered. I was such a fuck up. I couldn't even talk. He giggled at me, and gave me the cup. I was careful not to touch him and blushed again. I walked outside and sat at one of the metal tables. I got lost in thought again. The sun started to set, and I didn't notice. I was caught up in thinking about, everything. I thought about Jacob, I missed him, I really did.   
  
“Hey uh Gerard, you okay?” I almost jumped out of my seat as I finally realized Frank was in front of me. “You’re crying, what's wrong?” No I wasn't. I wiped at my eyes, yes I was.   
  
“Im fine” I said quietly taking a sip of my drink and instantly regretted it as it was really cold. I grimaced and put it down. He was watching me I could feel it.   
  
“It’s getting late do you want me to take you home? I'm not a perv I promise, though that’s probably what they would say, but I’m serious i'm not, and I'm totally rambling, sorry.” he said grinning.  
  
“I’m fine, its not uh far? I like walking.” he frowned and looked me over, I could feel it. I folded my arms across my chest, I felt like curling up and crying again.   
  
“No you’re gonna let me take you home, because its really cold out here, and you're already shivering from being out here three hours. Also the suns going down, and its going to be dark soon. Lets go.” I sat and stared past him for a little bit, and he watched me carefully. Slowly I got up decided, if he did kill me i wouldn't stop him. And if he did just take me home, well great. He started walking and i trailed after him. We got to a black car, and he held open the door for me. I got in and he closed the door for me. Why was he being so nice? What did he want? No one was this nice without wanting something from me. So many times i believed that they were just being nice. So much hurt, so much pain, in every memory I have. Were there good times? Probably, just buried somewhere, like other memories. Wait someones watching me.   
  
“So where do I take you?” he said frowning at me. To my grave please.   
  
“I am not taking you there, which way to your home” I blushed and pointed ahead to tell him where to go. My face hot from me blushing so hard. I can’t believe I said that out loud. That’s why no one likes me.   
  
As we approached the house, I saw the garage door closing. The colour drained out of my face, and when he pulled onto the driveway I practically ran out the door. I waved goodbye quickly and ran into the house. There she was standing calmly, anger shown in her eyes. I knew I was fucked. I wasn't suppose to leave. She got closer and closer, and I went deeper into my head, I blocked out all of it. All the noise, all the pain.   
  
I think I blacked out, but I never could be sure. Sometimes I just went so deep in my head that I don’t even remember doing things. I woke up in my room on the floor. I searched my pockets for my phone, but it was no where to be found. I know I had it when i was at the shop.   
  
Frank. It was in Franks car. I fled from his car, it had to be there. Not good. Not good at all. What if he comes back here tonight with it? I’d get it for sure. What if he never gave it back, my life was on that phone. I escaped many nights into that phone, losing myself in a story, or talking with other people who enjoyed the same kind of music. My music, my fucking music was on that phone and Frank had it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ya another chapter, I might do a few more or I might give up on it. To be honest its kinda, in a way personal? Does that even make sense? I guess the best way to say it is some things that happen are stuff that I've experienced. So we shall see where this one goes. Thank you for reading ^-^


	3. Princess

I had just wanted to sleep, but I just couldn’t get myself to take the pills, and black out. I was on edge, I needed them, but instead I just sat. I sat at my bed and looked at nothing. There's no light really coming, my window, the cinder block wall blocks most of it out. I almost wish, no scratch that, i truly wish that Frank had been a murderer or a kidnapper. Nothing in my life was that easy though. Everything had to be so fucking hard; I could never just get a break.   
  
Today had been interesting, almost good until I got back to the house. Thinking about Frank made my stomach do that weird happy twist. I hated it. I knew it all too well. WHen I liked someone it always made an appearance. Frank couldn’t like me though. I mean I was the most embarrassing thing. I answered his questions with my own, and I didn’t even thank him for taking me home. Not like I could have, but still he really didn’t have to take me to the house. No I wasn’t going to like him. He helped so much today. Stop. Doesn’t he remind you of Jacob? I miss Jacob, i want him back, he’ll come back to me.   
  
I argued all night in my head with myself. I finally snapped out of my head when I heard the doorbell. I looked at the clock to discover it was 8 am. Who the hell would be ringing doorbells this early? I got up and left my room to open the door. I unlocked the door and swung it open. Guess who was fucking there. Just my luck. I didn’t have luck, ran in the family apparently. Luck was stupid anyway, but i bet if i had some I-person. Door. Staring. PAY ATTENTION!  
  
“uh hey Gerard!” he said smiling. What do I say? Hey sorry I ran from you and didn’t even thank you for not murdering me and just taking me to the house.   
  
“You uh wanna come in?” Smooth Gerard, invite him into the house, your so gonna be murdered if they find out. He brushed past me into the house, waking me up from my thoughts again.   
  
“Heres your phone, thought you might want it.” He said while looking around. “I have to go, got work again. It was nice seeing you again.” He handed me my phone, smiled and left through the door. I closed the door quickly, locking it, and sliding against it to the floor. What just even happened?   
  
I was going to ponder that some, when my phone buzzed in my hand. On the lock screen Franks name showed up. I opened up the message up and read: “Hey! I wish I could have talked to u more, but this will have to do. U don’t have to text me back if u don’t want.” What was I supposed to say? I mean, did I really want to message him back?  _Yes._  No no no. I mean its just messaging him. It’s not like I’m going to stutter and mess things up. This is better than talking.   
  
“Hey, I wanted to thank you for taking me to the house, and bringing my phone back. It means a lot.” Sent! geez I don’t even know what I’m doing. It means a lot. What am I five?  _*buzz buzz*_ Hes a quick texter, especially if he’s supposed to be working. Did he lie?  
  
“It’s really okay! Who knows what could have happened if u had walked home! And after I dropped u off it started raining, u would have been soaked.” It rained last night? Huh.   
“I like the rain, its calming.” Is what I responded. I had bad memories with rain, but it never stopped me from loving it. Its peaceful, the steady noise, the emptiness of the streets. The grey skies, which some people think is depressing, but I truly think its beautiful. You can’t see the harsh sun, only the clouds moving. No bright blue, that seems to make everything harsher, just the serene, cool grey.  _*buzz buzz*_  
  
“NOT IF U GET SICK FROM BEING SOAKED!!!!1111!! Anyways, hows ur day?” I giggled at that. And there was that twisting again, goddammit.   
  
“Well lets see I haven’t slept in a day, but I got my phone back from a very nice guy. So surprisingly well. How about yours? Aren’t you suppose to be working?” Is that flirting? maybe? slightly  _*buzz buzz*_  
  
“I guess you could call me your knight in shining armor for that?? xD Mines going pretty swell got to see someone this mornin that I couldn’t stop thinking about. Yes I’m working kinda not really no ones here atm” My face is hot, blushing. Fuck. He was thinking about me? Nah he couldn’t be, I’m not that great. Hes messing with me if he is talking about me.   
  
“Oh I guess I could call you that since my phone is my life. Hmm who would that happen to be?”  _*buzz buzz*_  
  
“U princess!”   
  
“Princess! Really? Im a guy!”  
  
“U should come buy some coffee princess!”  
  
“Can’t I’m sorry!”  
  
“Why princess??? :(“ What do I say to that? Oh, because i will get the shit beaten out of me again? That's not going to work.  
  
“School work :(“ Not a total lie, I mean I had been slacking a bit. Just haven’t been in the mood for it.   
  
“What are u gonna be up to in about an hour?” It was already 10! Wow that flew by quickly.   
  
“Nothing?”   
  
“Kk I’ll ttyl rush of people!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, I dont really like it, but its kinda a necessary chapter. Building relationships and stuff. At least im updating alot?? Ish? I dunno. Thank you tons for reading! <3 (I'm gonna continue this story for Mufasa!)


	4. Where do you go?

God damn, why is today the day to ring my fucking doorbell! I was just working on a charcoal drawing! Its ruined most definitely. I open the door and there standing is Frank, holding two cups. So thats why he wanted to know what I was doing in an hour. How can I think about all these different things, over analyze everything, but not realise that he wanted to know what I was doing, so he could come over! I must be the most clueless person in the world.   
  
“So, I brought coffee. Can that gain me entrance to your beautiful home?” I giggled at that and let him through.   
  
“Coffee! Black! Here it is! Just like you ordered yester-wait what's on your, or uh all over your face and hands?” I looked in the mirror and realized what he was talking about.   
  
“oh, er, charcoal? Ya I’ll be back, gonna... yup. Make yourself comfortable!” I ran out of there into the bathroom and started washing my face. I always did that with charcoal, they hated it. I’d go to school with charcoal all over my face, because honestly I forget things like that! I’m very forgetful, like they have to remind me to eat, thats how bad I am. Part of the problem with charcoal being all over me though, is that I don't like looking in the mirror. I’m disgusting.   
  
I walked back out, my eyes avoiding Frank’s as he watched me walk in and sat down opposite of him. He handed me the coffee and I took a sip. I accidentally let out a little moan, because I mean come on! One, it was still really hot and felt amazing, two it’s like the best coffee ever, and three because I am the most embarrassing person in the world. He laughed at me a little and my face began to burn again.   
  
“That good?” He said smirking. I finally looked into his eyes, only for a second though. They were so beautiful, the most amazing, greenish hazel eyes. I wanted nothing more to stare into them again. I also really, really want to draw them, but could I capture the beauty thats in them? Probably not. Is it creepy to draw peoples eyes? Probably, yes.  
  
“Where do you go?”   
  
“Huh?” Where did I go? What did that mean? I’m right here, always here. I don’t leave. I can’t leave. I really just want to leave. May-  
  
“Where do you go? You look so far away. You never seem to be here. I’ve only been around you for such a short period of time, and I feel like I’m alone. Where do you go?” I frowned what do I say to that? He glanced down at his watch and stood up quickly.  
  
“I have to go my break is almost up. I’ll text you.” I nodded and walked him to the door. Where did I go? No one had ever asked me that question. No one cared enough. Was this a new thing? I was here, i was in this house, but I guess my head and my thoughts were somewhere else. Most of the time while I’m in my head, I’m haunted by thoughts of the past, the present and the future. But, I guess the rest of the time I’m writing things, I’m drawing, I’m creating illusions for my self. Illusions that make my life seem better than it is. Illusions that give me hope. In my head the only thing that hurt me, was me really. I kept bring the thoughts back of the people that hurt me, it was my fault, always my fault. I could push them away, bury them somewhere deep inside of me but-  _*buzz buzz*_  
  
Fuck, it had been two hours since Frank left, and I still hadn’t figured out an answer for him. “Hey! Sooo How was the coffee?” It read. Shit, the coffee. I did it again, took one sip then let it go cold.   
  
“Uh it was good, until I forgot it. Sorry, I just wasted your money.” Maybe I should have just left off the part about forgetting it? That would have been smarter.   
  
“That is ok! U can make it up to me ;) Theres a party tonite, come with me and alls forgiven.” A party? No. No no no no no no. Fuck NO!  _*Buzz buzz*_  
  
“I’ll pick u up @ 9! See u then!!” Shitfuck. mother lovin soggy corndog, paper poo. I have never in my life been to a party. Too many people, its frightening. I could text him back and say no sorry cant! Technically, they would kill me if I went, but then again I always snuck out for evening walks. Frank didn’t seem like the kind of guy though, that would just say “Okay! maybe next time?” No, he seemed liked the kind of person to bug you about until you either died, or gave in. Plus, I did waste his money, I kinda owed it to him to go. There better be fucking alcohol at this party, because I’m gonna get so wasted. It’s the only way I’m going to get through this night.  
  
She came home around four, and I hid in my room like usual. I heard her slam cabinets and dishes around. The television turned on and stayed on till about 8 when I heard her finally turn off all the lights and go into her room, the door slamming shut. I looked into my closet, trying to pick something. I had to be quiet so she didn’t catch me. I decided on some black skinny jeans, that, in my opinion at least, made my ass look very good. I picked out an old misfits shirt that hung off my body. I decided to look in the mirror, and instantly I regretted it. My hair was just a mess of black, my face pale and fat. Ah, but the rest of me was pale and fat too. I grabbed a hoodie and slipped it on. No one could see my arms, or legs, and my fatness was somewhat hidden. All they got to see was my revolting face. I sighed and grabbed my phone on the way to the window.  
  
I put two magnets on the alarm thing on the frame of the window, so she wouldn’t know I opened my window. I slid it open slowly, it barely making a noise, then I climbed out. I left it open so I could get in silently later. I walked to the gate, unlocking it with the spare key I had, and slipped out. I walked to the end of the driveway and sat down looking at my phone. 8:50 it read. I had the feeling that tonight was going to be one of the longest nights of my life, as I sat in the cold night waiting for Frank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yup thats happening. the party is gonna be so much fun to write about *evil laughter* So I am continuing this story at least for a bit. Honestly I don't know where I'm going with it. It's going to be sad no doubt. I like sad. I've been thinking though, about writing a happier, cute, fluffy, smutty, story. I don't know if I'm capable of it, I'd probably just like kill everyone in the end. Anyways, thanks for reading my story and my randomness and thoughts at the end! <3


	5. No Escape

9:05 and I was still waiting for Frank. What a dick. I’d check my phone more than 50 million times, and there were no text messages or anything from him. Maybe I was being a bit paranoid, I mean five minutes late is nothing, but seriously he’s dragging me to party against my wishes. He could at least give me the courtesy of showing up at the time he demanded. I’d give him five more minutes then I was going back to my cave, and he could fuck off.

9:09 and I stood up and started my way to the gate. Then I had a thought, why waste my perfectly executed escape and not take a night walk. I hadn’t done it in a long while, and tonight seemed like the perfect night, being stood up and all. Maybe, I was being too harsh on Frank, but I couldn’t help it. Since no one was really out at 9:15, wow time seems to pass quite quickly, I decided to walk down the middle of the street. Who cared if they run me over, then one of my many wishes would be fulfilled. 

I wonder what they think of me, when they look at me, and take out all their anger on my body. I wonder if questioning what they’re doing flutters by? What about if an apologize ever flashes in their heads before their foot stamps down on me. I wonder if they ever saw me as someone to be loved, to be cared for. Or did they just know when they laid eyes upon me that I would be one of the lowest pieces of trash to traverse this earth. Maybe she had hopes for me when he was still here, and they were crushed when he left. I knew she blamed me for it. Two weeks after I had been born, he left with no note, leaving her with my brother and I. I knew everyone held some sort of anger towards me because of that. 

“Hey! HEY!” I looked behind me to see a car with a person screaming at me. I raised my hand, signaling my apology, and moved over to the sidewalk. The car stopped and the driver got out. Just my fucking luck, I get to be beat up by someone else. I didn’t stop and turn, I didn’t even run. I kept my pace even and my eyes forward. I could hear the person approaching quickly. They grabbed my arm, and I stopped and ripped it from their grasp. I was going to yell at them, but realized it was just the guy who decide to stand me up. 

“What do you want?” I practically growled at him.

“Look I’m sorry okay? There was a huge accident by my place, and I couldn’t get through it for a long time. I was going to call you, but I’m so stupid that I left my phone at my house. I’m really sorry Gerard. Please just forgive me.” he looked at me, his eyes pleading. I pursed my lips and thought. It was an innocent mistake, on his part. How would he know that something like that would happen? And how many times had I forgotten my phone when I need it most. I looked down at my shoes and nodded. 

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to freak out on you.” I said, my eyes never leaving the ground. 

“No don’t apologize, it's all my fault. You have every right to flip out on me. Now don’t we have a party to attend princess?” I scowled at him when he said that, but nodded and let him lead me to the car.   
On the way, we didn’t talk much at all. When he pulled up to a house, I almost demanded that he take me home. There were so many people, practically spilling out of this large house. We could hear the music very clearly from the car, and the thing was we weren’t even that close to it. He opened the door to the car for me and I stepped out. I walked somewhat behind Frank as we approached the house. Teenagers everywhere were hammered, and practically having sex in the front yard. We got to the door and someone caught Frank’s attention. He started talking to them and they moved away. I tried to catch up to him, but got lost in the flood of drunk bodies. 

I felt a lump rising in my throat, and the tears well up in my eyes. Frank left me, and people were touching me. For the first time in my life all I wanted was to go home. I’d take a beating if it meant that I could leave. I snuck along the walls, trying my best to avoid the bodys, till I found the kitchen. I walked in and grabbed a beer, chugging it and getting another. I had downed six beers when I heard someone say something from behind me. 

“Wow, six beers, that quickly and you're still standing.” I turned to face them, with a new beer in my hands to see who the person was. When I met their eyes, the beer dropped from my and shattered on the ground. 

“Gerard, wow, long time no see. I never thought I would ever see you at a place like this.” 

“J- Jacob?” I stuttered. He looked the same, with his light brown hair pushed to the side, and his dark brown eyes watching me carefully. 

“Let me get you another drink.” He turned and got a red cup and filled it with some beer. “Now if you drop it it won’t shatter” He smirked at me and I blushed. 

“Now Geebaby, why don’t we go somewhere and talk,” he handed me the beer, and I shook my head.

“Why baby? It’s been so long I want to catch up!” I took a sip of the drink thinking. Probably not a good idea, but my intoxicated mind couldn’t find anything wrong with it. After a few more sips, and his eyes dissecting me, I nodded. He walked out of the kitchen and I started following him, but almost fell because the room started to spin. I felt his arm wrap around my waist, and pull me against his side. I didn’t have the strength to pull away, and his side was just so familiar. I was so tired all of a sudden, and everything just wouldn’t stay still. He led me to a room, where fewer people were than in the main rooms. He released my waist, sat down on a black couch and pulled me onto his lap. I curled up into him, just enjoying the warmth and familiarity of his body.

“Look at me Gerard” I lifted my head up from his chest , and looked into his eyes. He kissed me hard, smashing his lips against mine. I was so startled, and so scared. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. He pulled away and pushed me off of him. I flew to the floor and landed hard, groaning in pain. I tried to push myself up but, I was so weak. I looked around in the room and most people had left, the others were passed out. I tried to cry out, but it didn't pass my lips. I felt his hand grab my arms and drag me up. 

“You ruin everything you disgusting piece of shit. I loved and cared for you and you left me. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?” Jacob screamed into my face. His fist connected with my face a second later, sending me flying to the ground again. I tried to slip into my mind again, and bury myself in the darkness of my head, but I couldn’t. The reality of it all wouldn’t leave me alone. Something connected hard against my stomach, and I curled up. One, two, three more times the same thing hit my back. It hurt so much, but I couldn’t escape. 

I thought it would never end. He insulted me, he kicked, slapped, punched. I couldn’t do anything, my body wasn’t going to let me escape into my own mind, or let me run. I couldn’t fight back, I was so weak and my limbs felt so heavy. Every part of my body radiated pain.

He stopped for a moment to pick up my up and throw me against the couch. I felt him undo my jeans and pull them down. I knew he would do this eventually. He tried before when... when we dated. But here and now it was happening, and nothing I could do could stop him. I was helpless and I knew no one would come for me. No one cared, only he did. 

I tried so hard to disappear into my head, just so I could get through it. I heard his belt being undone, then his zipper sliding down. I felt warmth leaking down my cheeks, as I cried silently, and I felt him put his weight on me. I closed my eyes, whimpering as he called me a disgusting whore. He told me no one loved me. Then all of his weight was off of me. 

I heard someone yelling and some sickening cracks close to me. I didn’t open my eyes, till I felt someone dragging my pants back on. Frank came into my line of vision, and he gently wiped the tears away from my eyes. He looked so worried. I saw him say something, but couldn’t make it out. 

“You fucking left me” I mumbled before everything finally went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I am a burrito of sadness, drinking way too much coffee, watching the peaceful rain, and writing. Also trying to figure out how I can get money to buy another pair of Dr. Martens. The past few days have just not been my days. And that is why i haven't updated. I , the burrito of sadness, apologize profusely. 
> 
> Anywaysss, what do you think of this chapter? A little messed up? Is the relationship ruined?? 0.o I l don't know... It could go many ways from hear, and I havent decided the way I wasnt it to go. And Jacob is kinda based off of a real person. Soo thank you very much for reading <3


	6. Emptiness

_“Jacob I think...I think we need, um, to stop seeing each other.”_  
  
“Why? Why the fuck would you say that? We are not breaking up! If we do, I ‘ll kill myself.”  
  
“No Jacob you won’t. Just stop.”  
  
“Yes I will, Gee I need you. I can’t live without you. I love you. Please Gee, I will kill myself.”  
  
“Just stop Jacob! Its not working! This, what we have here isn’t good. You hit me, you, you tell me no one loves me. Its not healthy. I’m sorry Jacob, but I just can’t anymore. You’ll find someone ten times better. Someone who isn’t such of a fuck up like me. Trust me, I’m not worth taking your life over. You’re not going to do this, you’re going to leave me alone, and live your life.”  
  
“Don’t fucking leave me Gerard!”   
  
“Stop crying Jacob, I’m not worth it.”  
  
“You’re fucking right, you’re a worthless piece of shit that no one loves. Who would ever love a slut like you huh? I bet you’re going to leave and go have some guy fuck you! I don’t know how I ever put up with such a filthy whore like you! You wouldn’t even let me fuck you.”  
  
“Stop, please just stop!!”  
  
“How many guys Gerard? Ten? Twenty?”  
  
“Stop! No just stop! none! NO one!”  
  
“Fuckin liar. Can’t you tell the truth ever Gerard? Maybe, if I beat you then you wouldn’t lie!!”  
  
“Stop fucking stop!!! Stay away from me!”  
  
“Why Gerard? I’m just going to slap the shit out of you. Just like they do! What’s your problem Gerard?”   
  
“Gerard, Hey! wake up! Wake up!! Please!!” Jacob began to fade away, though the malice in his eyes stayed burned in my head.   
  
I looked to see Frank next to me looking concerned.   
  
“You fucking left me.” I said my voice rough. He looked down ashamed.   
  
“I’m sorry Gee I-”  
  
“Don’t! Don’t fucking call me Gee! You don’t know me! And you fucking brought me to that fucking place, so dont say you're fucking sorry.” I felt the tears that I didn’t even know I was crying, increase. I looked around and didn’t know where I was. I had to leave though, I had to get out of here the walls where just getting to close. I got up from the bed, and collapsed immediately crying out in pain. He rushed over to help me.  
  
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I cried crawling away from him. I felt so violated and everything hurt so much, I’d never been beat this badly before. Even they didn’t do it like this.   
  
“Let me help you Gerard. Please, you’re gonna hurt yourself more.” He said pleading, as he inched forward.   
  
“Let me! What do you fucking care?” I screamed, and he took a step back, hurt showing all over his face.   
  
“I need to go home, let me go home. They’ll beat me if I don’t get home.”   
  
“What the fuck Gerard?” All the hurt disappeared from his face, and anger overtook it. I backed up further, until my back was against the wall.   
  
“P-please, please don’t hurt me” i whimpered out, the tears never ceasing. His eyes softened and he took a step towards me and i tried to back up more. I whimpered again in fear and pain, I just needed to get away from him.   
  
“Gerard, I’m not ever going to hurt you. I couldn’t. Seeing you in so much pain just makes me sick. I want to fix it all Gerard. I don’t want anyone to hurt you, its not right.” He crouched down in front of me and watched me. I wouldn’t look at him, and kept myself pressed as far away from him as I could.   
  
“I’ll take you home if you want, but I need you to promise me something.” He sighed and looked away.   
  
“I need you to promise me, that you’ll let me make this up to you.” I could feel he wasn’t looking at me so I glanced over at him. He looked utterly devastated, and a single tear rolled down his cheek before he sniffed and wiped it away.  
  
“Lets go,” quietly he got up, and offered me a hand. I glared at him and started pushing myself up. I gritted my teeth and continued to work my way up, leaning against the wall. I took a step forward and almost face planted, as the pain was almost too much. He step forward to help me.   
  
“Don’t you fucking dare” I snarled as his hand almost touched my arm. He withdrew it looking like a kicked puppy. I took a few more steps, each hurting more than the last. Finally the pain was too much, and I collapsed on his floor.   
  
“That’s it Gerard I’m not going to let you hurt yourself more.” He quickly picked me up and started walking out of the room.   
  
“Put me fucking down Frank!” I screamed trying to flail out of his grasp.   
  
“No knock it the fuck off Gerard. I’m trying to fucking help you get home. Let me do this.” I stopped flailing, and pouted. He carried me to the car, and set me down, while opening the door. I climbed in slowly, grimacing with every movement. He made sure I was set, and even buckled my seat belt like I was a child, before he got in and started driving. I refused to look at him for a while, just staring out the window watching the world fly by.   
  
“Why didn’t you take me to a hospital?” I asked looking at him sternly.   
  
“I was going too, but I realized that I uh, I don’t know a thing about you. And I thought they might blame me for all this, and the cops would be called. I’m sorry.”   
  
“Thank you.” I looked away from and out the window again.   
  
“Wh what?” He looked at me quickly in disbelief before turning his attention back to the road. I ignored him the rest of my way home. He helped me to the door before I told him to leave. He looked like he was going to argue with me before he hung his head and walked to his car.   
  
I got inside and collapsed against the door in tears. Everything just hurt so bad, even my heart seemed to be in pain. I know I shouldn’t be mad at Frank, I wasn’t his responsibility, I didn’t matter to him one bit. I didn’t matter to anyone. I curled up into a ball and sobbed, screaming in pain and frustration.   
  
I wallowed in self pity before I finally dragged myself to my room, collapsing on the bed. I cried and cried, the sky started to grow darker, and the nasty sobs still wracked my chest. She came home slamming things, and I cried silently. Finally, my eyes decided to close and all I could feel as I drifted off was the pain everywhere, and the emptiness in side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry so so sorry in advance, I'm totally gonna make you guys mad...maybe? We shall see how you feel after the next chapter. kinda a spoiler maybe? I'm not going to let gee get with frankie quickly... its just not fun that way! This is still kinda a hard story to write for me. I have to be in a mood for it. Lately I have. Have you heard the song All I Want by Kodaline, because its really good and I've been listening to it on repeat. Okay nuff of my rambling, thank you so so much for reading and the lovely comments, It means a lot <3


	7. Chapter 7

  
**10:10 pm From: Frank**  
How ru?  
 ****  
10:47 pm From: Frank  
U have every right to be mad at me. Im so sorry, let me make this up 2 u

**11:30 pm From: Frank**  
Obviously u don’t want to talk to me, or ur sleeping. I hope u feel better, let me know if u need anything. Night sleep well x

**9:59 am From: Frank**  
Good morning, hope u feel better, please let me know ur atleast alive.

**10:25 am From: Unknown Sender**  
I always finish wat I start. Im going to get u g and that bf of urs isnt gonna stop me this time. be seeing u soon

I couldn’t stand it. I read Frank’s and almost smiled. The last text, I sent my phone flying across the room and smashing into the wall. I curled up into a ball again, ignoring the pain, and began to sob again. I new he was a sickfuck, but I couldn’t believe he’d try to get me again. Actually the more i thought about I should have been worried about him coming after me before yesterday.

What if Jacob came to my house? Would he do that? Probaby. He’d risk coming to the house, he knew about them.

_*buzz buzz*_

God damn, that phone never dies. I’ve thrown it so many time and it keeps on going. It’s like it was made by Nokia, not Samsung.

I struggled across my room before sliding down the wall and grabbing my phone.

**12:23 pm From: Frank**  
Gerard please respond. I need to know ur ok

I didn’t want to respond, but before I knew it I had sent a message to him. “Im okay, I hurt a lot. What are you doing today?” God, I was going to regret this, but I knew I needed to talk to him. I needed someone to talk to at least. Telling her or them about that text message wasn’t going to do anything, but Frank? Frank, might just be able to help me.

**12:28 pm From: Frank**  
Im not doing anything today. no work. is everything ok?

No, yes, never? Sometimes it was. What do I say? I really want to fucking hug you because I’m so scared that he’s going to get me again. Though I really don’t like to be touched, because as you might have figured out I’ve been beaten up a few times. No nothing like that would work. So a simple “We need to talk asap” was what I sent to him.

I really wanted to sleep some more so I struggled in and unlocked the front door then went and collapsed on my bed. I sent a quick message to Frank telling him the door was unlocked, and to let himself in. I really didn’t care if someone came in other than Frank. I hurt so fucking much and I was so tired they could do whatever they wanted. I really didn’t care much anymore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it sucked, its short, buttttt the next chapter will be spectacular. or well better than this hopefully. I haven't been really updating like anyy of my fics and Im sorry. Im a bad writer/updater/person. What do you guys think about switching the pov to Franks? Or should I keep it gerards? idk its up to you lovely people, so maybe tell me whatcha think?
> 
> THank you so much for reading!!


	8. As You Wish

~~~~Franks POV~~~~

I couldn’t get Gerard off my mind, it was awful. I was awful. I brought him to that stupid place, and let him be basically raped by that guy. I knew he was somewhat fragile. I mean the first time I saw him, he was standing in shock at almost being hit by a door. Then got knocked on his ass five minutes later. I really regretted taking him to that party, I honestly just wanted to spend time with him. Now that I think of it, maybe just seeing a movie would have been a better idea. I was not known for my brilliant date ideas.

After taking him home, texting him, not sleeping all night, and hoping he was okay, he finally responded. When he told me to come over, I practically fell on my face trying to get to my car quickly. I would make this right, if it was the last thing I did. 

I broke every speed limit trying to get there as soon as possible, like he requested. And when I got to the door, my nerves where on edge. What if he wasn’t okay? What if he decided to hate me? I couldn’t live with myself if I’d fucked up that much. 

My hand hovered over the door handle before I took a deep breath and opened it. Once I was in, I locked the door, just to be on the safeside. The house was so quiet, and as I looked around I realised I didn’t know where his room was. Great. It wasn’t that big of house, but I didn’t want to be intrusive. I walked out of the front room and looked down the hallway. I went down the hall and opened the first room quietly, and looked in. There he was, his face peeking out from beneath all the blankets that he had wrapped around himself. 

I slipped into the room as silently as I could, and looked around. Not much sunlight, if any, filtered in through the large window. It was as if the room was a prison cell. I watched Gerard sleeping, his face placid. I don’t know how long I stood there, but as a tear fell from his closed eyes, and his face distorted into pure sorrow, I broke from my stance and kneeled by his bed.

“Hey Gerard, its okay, wake up…” I wiped the tear off his face, and his eyes fluttered open. 

“Don’t touch me” he said firmly, his eyes watching me intently. I looked down and frowned. 

“Sorry, I just, anyway I’m here” 

“Ya, thanks for uh coming. I just, I needed someone else to read this.” His hand made its way out from under his pillow as he handed me his phone. I took it and looked at him confused. 

“Just go to the text messages, and read the unknown sender one.” I nodded, and did as he said. He watched me carefully as I read the text. I felt my face get red with anger, and I knew exactly who had sent this. 

“Who is this guy Gerard?” 

“The same one from the party.” 

“I figured, but who is he to you?”

“He um, we, we use to date…” I studied his face, and he avoided my eyes.

“Did he abuse you before Gerard?” He frowned nodding, tears starting to form in his eyes. 

“Who doesn’t abuse me?!” He screamed all of a sudden, sitting up away from me. 

“I’ve been beaten by my family for most of my life! My grandpa use to take his belt off and whip me! My mum would take coat hangers and hit me till i couldn’t walk. Then when I got to school all of the students beat me up! I’d come home complain to my mum and she’d hit me and tell me to shutup. Ah! but then I thought my prayers were answered when Jacob asked me out. It was nice. He was nice. But, for me things are never easy, and there he was hitting me. Abusing me!” He pulled his knees to his chest and started crying, avoiding me. 

“I’m so sor-”

“DON’T! DON'T FUCKING SAY YOU’RE SORRY! I FUCKING DESERVED IT OKAY? AND I DON'T DESERVE ANYONES SYMPATHY!” I looked at him in horror. His face was so red, and he seethed rage. 

“Gerard, just listen” he tried to interupt me but I continued. “You didn’t deserve that shit, no one deserves that. To be constantly beaten, by everyone and anybody, and the people who should love you. No one deserves it, even the people who did it to you don’t deserve it. I know you believe that you deserved it and you don’t deserve sympathy, but you do. You deserve to be loved and to be cared for, not to be ruined and tossed aside.” When I finished I got up on the bed and pulled him into a hug. He tried to pull away from me, but finally just broke down and cried into my chest. When he calmed down, I let him go and he smiled slightly. 

“Have you eaten today?” I asked, and he shook his head. 

“When was the last time you ate?” 

“Umm, maybe a couple days ago? I had coffee.” 

“Get up, I’m going to make you something, no protesting you need to eat.” He looked like he was going to argue, but I hurried out of his room to the kitchen. A few minutes later he came in and collapsed in a chair. 

“You are a jerk, Frank.” 

“I know Gerard, but I’m a caring jerk. Soo…” I looked in the fridge to find it mostly empty, accept for some milk, eggs, and butter. I frowned and looked in the pantry to also find that it was void of any real food. He looked at me amused, almost laughing.

“So, whatcha gonna make me Frankie?” I tried to ignore him smirking at me, as I was trying to think about what I could make. Then it came to me.

“I’m going to make you, some of my famous pancakes!”

“Famous? hmm… so they must be good then?”

“The best pancakes you’ve ever had, trust me on this.” he smiled and laughed at me, which in turn made me smile. His laugh and smile were simply contagious. When his face lit up, I swear the world stopped for a moment. I wonder how long it’s been since he’d smiled and laughed. He tilted his head to the side a bit and smirked at me.

“Are you going to keep staring at me, or cook for me?” I felt my cheeks heat up and I busied myself with cooking. I would glance at him quickly, in between steps to see he was off in his world somewhere. I wish I knew where he went, and what took his head. His face didn’t show any emotion, it was like he was frozen. It would have been a really lovely sight if his practically snow white skin wasn’t covered in purple bruises and angry cuts. I felt a wave of guilt hit me as I realized I had been the reason he was so destroyed at the moment. 

I pushed it aside for the moment to serve him my glorious pancakes. He looked at the pancakes then me and raised an eyebrow. He took a bite of them and closed his eyes and smiled. 

“So princess do you approve of my cooking?” He blushed and took another bite. 

“I don’t know, I mean its good, but how can I judge you cooking skills if all I get to base them on is a silly stack of pancakes? hmm?” 

“Oh no, aw hell nah! You didn’t just call my pancakes silly!” He giggled at my response and continued eating. 

“Well princess, since you have called my spectacular pancakes silly, and you say that you can’t judge my undeniable skills, I guess… Well I guess you’ll have to come to my kitchen, and let me cook for you again.” He laughed at me again, and god did I love the way his face lit up as he did. 

“Fine, fine, but what will be served?”

“That sugar, is a surprise. So tomorrow is Thursday, how about we do it then? I will be prompt and arrive whenever I am instructed to, and take you to my humble abode.”   
“Nine ‘o'clock on the dot! A minute late, and I will not speak to you again!” He stuck his nose in the air as he said that, and I couldn’t help but laugh at him. 

“Wow! Harsh! Its a date then!” He blushed profusely when I said date, but I just wiggled my eyebrows at him. That earned me a laugh. He needs to laugh more, it is the best thing in the world.

“Now, I have to ask you to vacate my property, as it’s two ten and the owner of this house will soon arrive. She, to say the least, would be very displeased to see that you are here.” He looked a little disappointed as he said it, but tried to say it as light as he possible could. 

“As you wish princess.” I smirked.

“Really Frank, did you seriously just quote the Princess Bride?!” 

I gasped and put my hand to my chest “I would never!” 

“Right, now shoo!” I got up laughing and he walked me to the door. He waved to me then closed it behind me. I was smiling like an idiot as I made my way to my car. I had a date with this lovely boy and he didn’t completely hate me. Today had probably been my most successful day ever. And as a bonus, I got him to laugh multiple times. Ya, today was a very good day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?? It ended kinda happy. So will Frank fuck it up?? Lets see how evil I am. 
> 
> I have to take the SAT's on march 14 and like no. BUtttt I get to see fall out boy the next day, thennn Frank the day after that. I'm soo soo happy. Now gerard need to come to my state, and I need to see him, and my life will basically be complete. I have no idea why I just shared all that, but it just happened. Thank so much for reading <3


	9. Mama We're All on a Roller Coaster

~~~Gerard’s POV~~~  
  
“Hi Mama!”   
  
No. no no no no nonononononononono. N. O. He can’t be home! He’s supposed to be home next week!!  
  
“Oh Mikey baby! Hows college? You weren’t supposed to get come home for another week! Oh my baby! Any girls got your interest??” I could practically hear her jumping with joy because her dear baby Michael James was home! How lovely!  
  
“Classes got cancelled and I just missed you so much mama.” I miss you  _Mama_ , I can't live a day without you  _mama_.  _Mama mama mama_  
  
“Where is Gerard, mama?”   
  
“Oh where he always is. Never leaves that stupid cave of his. You know he snuck out this past week? Just ‘getting’ coffee. He thinks he can get away with that?” oh fuck her. Mama we are all full of lies. What do you tell the teachers you work with huh?  _Everything's fine at home, Gerard's graduating early, such a good son! And Michael, my baby is in college, doing so well!_  Its all bullshit.   
  
“Hey Gee! Get out here!” ha ya right, I’m going to go out there and dealing with Mikey’s shit. No thank you! Just fucking great though Mikey always ruins my plans, and in a way, my life. You ruined his, took his father from him. _You just had to come along, everybody would have been better off if you hadn’t been born.  
_  
“GErrrarddd you crazy motherfucker!! Get your ass out here!” he hit the wall next to my room a few times causing me to fall off of my bed due to me jumping six feet in the air. Fuck you Mikeyway.   
  
“Gerard seriously if you don’t get out here I will drag you by your horribly dyed black hair!” My hair was  _not_  by any definition horribly dyed. It was practically opposite of horrible. Okay it was a bit greasy I'll admit that...maybe...  
  
So out I emerged from my hiding spot and into humiliation I fell. Or well walked to it at least. I sat down in the corner of the couch and brought me knees up to my chest. I observed them fluttering around in the kitchen enjoying each others company. I wished she looked at me that way. With love, adoration, respect even?   
  
"Hey fat ass! Get up and help us cook! You never do anything!" Mikey said waving a spatula around.   
  
If you haven't figured it out already my older (a/n okay dont kill me it just works better this way...) brother Mikey and I don't get along. We use to be best friends, we get in trouble together and we play all the time. I protected Mikey from so many beatings, i took the blame for so many things he did wrong. I always looks up to Mikey even though he a total dick to me. I love him and his opinions of me kill me because they're right. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. I thought maybe he'd help me when i was down like i help him. I thought maybe hed take my side and even rescue me when he left for college, but i was so so wrong. I basically raised the kid when our mother was sick and he treats me like shit.  _Who doesn't though..._  
  
"Earth to loner, is anyone home?" He stood in front of me waving his hand in my face. I glared up at him. If looks could kill...  
  
"Come on gerard stop being all emo its not cool. No wonder you have no friends." He scoffed.  
  
"How long are you staying" i said looking dead straight into his eyes  
  
"Oh! Hes staying till... What did you say Mikey? A week from this Sunday? Yes thats right! And i have next week off too!" Mum chirped in.   
  
I shuttered at that, i would be in this house with two of the people i hate the most for a week. I couldn't sneak out, i couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't see frank. That means tonight couldn't happen.  
  
 **To: Frank  
(5:47 pm)**  
Sorry Frank i cant come over tonite  
  
 **From: Frank  
(5:51 pm)**  
Ok princess wats wrong? Was it me?  
  
 **To: Frank  
(5:52 pm) **  
Not u dont worry just family obligations i guess  
  
 **From:Frank  
(5:54 pm) **  
I guess?? Ok... Gee if u need anything 2 talk or watevr im here k?  
  
 **To:Frank  
(5:55 pm)**  
Thank you i will i gotta go sorry about cancelling  
  
 **From:Frank  
(5:56 pm) **  
Dont apologize u didn't do anything wrong. Stay safe baby  
  
Baby?  _Baby?_  I don’t want to admit it, but I kinda sorta maybe possibly leaning towards definitely like that. Throwing caution to the wind, I could somewhat say I was falling for Frank. I still harbor bad feelings towards him for taking me to that party, but hes trying to make amends to it.   
  
“So Gee…” Oh no not my nickname…  
  
“There's a concert this Saturday, and another one Monday that I know you’d be interested in. Would you like to go?” He didn’t look at me just kept cooking, but I watched. He was comfortable, relaxed, I know he didn’t want me there to just be there. He wanted me there for other reasons that I had yet to determine.   
  
I’m probably just paranoid, it’s what I do best.  
  
“Uh, ya sure, that’d be cool”  
  
“Cool man! We just need to get tickets for it.”   
  
“Ah, I see, I need to get them yes?”   
  
“Ya man that’d be great” Being used is what I’m here for. I get it.   
  
“Who else is going?”  
  
“Kristen”  
  
“Oh”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“Oh”  
  
“You need to expand your vocabulary Gee. In college you’ll be using so many new words, and you’ll have to talk more. God! I can’t imagine that”  
  
“Big words huh mikes? I’d like to defenestrate you, is that big enough?”   
  
“Go suck a dick Gerard” Gladly, if it didn’t mean I had to deal with him any longer. I got up and disappeared into my room, Mikey cursing at me and mum joining in all about me needing to eat. I ate… I think.  
  
*  
  
I hadn’t talked to Frank yet, and it was already tuesday. Sunday and Monday had been the best and worst days of my life. The music was the best part of it, as I could lose myself in it. Bodies pressed against each others, sweat pouring from everybodies overjoyed faces; the crowd jumping and thrashing together, lyrics being sung back to the singer, souls in a way intertwining. Peoples hopes and dreams are made at concerts, but that was only the positive side of my concert experience. The wonderful music was accompanied by reminders of how horrible I was, how fat, how lonely, how worthless. Mikey liked to remind me of it all.   
  
We met up with some of Mikey’s college buddies, at the first concert Sunday and they asked who I was.   
  
“Oh this! This is my baby brother Gerard, he had to tag along because he really enjoys music but doesn't have anyone else to go with.” That started my blood boiling, as if it wasn’t already. I thought about asking Frank to come, I just couldn’t do it. Frank had a life he doesn’t want to go to some silly concert with a kid. And plus, if Frank had come, and Mikey was around, Mikey would have ruined Frank for me. Not in a weird way, but Mikey would take him from me, or or, or he would make jokes about me and Frank, Frank could believe him.   
  
So, being me I avoided Frank. Well, not directly I guess. He never texted me so I didn’t text him. Simple.   
  
My mind wanted to over analyze that. Does he not want to talk to you? He doesn’t like you that's why he doesn’t text you. Maybe he’s seeing someone else. Maybe he realized you were bat shit crazy?  
  
I kept trying to reassure myself though that he was just busy, or giving me space and allowing me to make the first move.   
  
  
I waited to text him, and I only did it when things got bad. And oh boy did they go bad fast. Like when you on a roller coaster and you're going really fast and everything's well, and you're smiling and screaming and enjoying yourself when BAM, your car is suddenly slamming into the car in front of you, you didn’t see it was going to happen, but you knew it was possible. And it did happen and everything's fucked up.   
  
That was Wednesday for me. A metaphorical roller coaster crash. That's when I finally got the balls, or decided to be needy and text him. It was also when I made a huge decision, just to try and escape the crash. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hello this is your captain speaking, sorry for the delay folks we have landed.* or well i have updated. Sorry sorry sorry bad updater, in a way I procrastinate, or am too lazy, or in this case things have been not so good. This chapter and the next chapter... and the next... maybe are actually based on recent events. I'll try to update again soon... i need to also update my other fics... whoops...  
> SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR AND SUCH, I TYPED IT ON ME PHONE and I am to lazy to check it


	10. Silly Little Blow Up

So, what did I mean by this metaphorical roller coaster crash? Well Wednesday started okay, Mikey wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone, but it was tolerable. Or well I dealt with it and didn’t lose my shit… yet. We went out to eat that afternoon, almost like we were a normal family. Kristen, who turned out to be Mikey’s new girlfriend joined us. I bet Mikey had blabbed about me to her, probably feeding her bad shit about me. If she did know anything about me though she kept it hidden and was pleasant enough to me. Our little dinner out was okay and we all laughed at the stories everyone had to share.   
  
I told a few stories, they all enjoyed tales of my fuck ups. Especially the one where I still attended a normal(ish) school and was on my way to get charcoal for my art project. What happened then was quite expected as I hadn’t slept in two days and I had had enough caffeine that I was lucky that I didn’t die, just face planted. Then when I dragged myself up, swaying precariously I announced to my art class “At least the ground finds me attractive” and face planted again.  **(a/n this is actually true I did this)**. No one was surprised I had done this as they all knew I never really slept and had a thing for ingesting too much coffee. Going and eating dinner with them, was in a way surreal as honestly I somewhat enjoyed it. It felt like a Disney movie, joking, laughing a perfect family...  
  
But all good things come to an end, they can't last forever you see. There are never happy endings in real life. We all die, we all lose something we love. Are dreams will never come true, that shit is just a play to get your money. False hopes and a lot of yachts for greasy haired men in stiff suits.  
  
I am an indecisive radio listener, switching channels to find something I like is what I always do. Mikey does not appreciate it one bit, but honestly I dont give a flying fuck if mikey likes it.   
  
That though was the red button that blew the top off of our "happy family."   
  
"Gerard just let me fucking play the music on my phone I can't stand you flipping through the channels"  
  
"What does it matter Mikey? We will be home in like five minutes!"  
  
"Boys! Knock it off, Mikey what's the problem?"  
  
"Gerard is so fucking indecisive and self centered!" It was such a silly little argument, but the silliness of it all was what masked our bigger problems. Mikey should have been glad Kristen was still with us, she stopped me from climbing into the back seat and strangling the stupid idiot.  
  
The ride home was silent after that. We dropped Kristen off a few minutes later and continued to their home.   
  
"Hey Gerard, can you get the stick out of you ass?" Mikey sneered at me as he stood in the kitchen.  
  
"You know what Mikey? Fuck you! Honestly you think you're better than me? You have to rethink that Mikey. Who the fuck raised you ass? Who the fuck took the blame for all the times you fucked up? Who took you to all the concerts? Me Mikey! ME!! You have no fuckin right to call me selfish and to tell me to take the stick out of my ass, you need to get your stupid head out of your ass and realize what the fuck i've done for you!"   
  
"Get your finger out of my face you useless piece of shit! How can you say you did all that shit for me huh? How can you stand yourself gerard? You're so fat and useless, your best friend doesn't even wanted to be around you anymore, no one-"  
  
"Mikey you better fucking stop, I don't want to hear your dirty mouth!"   
  
"No Gerard you're going to listen, because that's just who you are." I realized I was shaking, my palms were sweaty, knees weak arms were heavy  **(a/n oh my did i just really do that...yes i just happened to be listen to that song when i wrote this oops)**  I was going to lose it, my throat hurt from screaming at the idiot and my head was just so filled, all the insults, all the pain, the reality of it all was bouncing around I was going to break.   
  
"You wonder why you're so alone? Because your bitter and obese and you can't even form a full sentence none the less a conversation!"   
  
"Mikey shut the fuck up, im leaving im getting out of here. Don't speak to me stay away from me, I don't want to see you. I’m so done with you, and all the shit you bring with me" And I called one of the people I hated the most. Why? Because I knew she'd let me leave if I went to their home.   
  
I called my grandpa, the man who took his belt off or grabbed his dog whip or a metal hanger and beat me till I couldn't cry any longer. The man who determined my life for many years and will never be proud of me for anything I accomplish.   
  
I packed my bag sobbing and shaking, I really couldn't handle this shit anymore. I got to their house and escaped into the office. I sat for an hour contemplating if I should burden Frank and call him. I decided for calling him, as he said I could and I really needed to. I needed him.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Frank?" I tried to keep my voice steady but it was so destroyed and it wavered.  
  
"Gee? Are you okay? What's wrong?"  
  
"Everything" I sobbed out. Tears falling once again down my cheeks.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong, do you want me to come over?" I almost smiled at how sincere and concerned his words were.  
  
"My brother came into in uh to town and I'm not home."   
  
"Where are you? Are you hurt?"  
  
"Physically not hurt. Just fine. I'm at my um grandparents."  
  
"So you are safe?"  
  
"Sort of yeah"  
  
"Sort of?"  
  
"Frank um could you uh could you maybe come over later tonight?" I squeaked out.  
  
"Sure princess give me a place and a time and I will arrive."  
  
"Thank you Frank I gotta go now I’ll text you."  
  
"Okay, bye Gee!"  
  
"Hey Frank?"  
  
"Ya?"  
  
"Don't call me princess"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in honor of today another chapter. I know today everyones sad, but I don't think we should be. My Chemical Romance was beautiful, but look at all of them now. They are all so happy, making music, having babies, and living their lives. It was a positive for them, so here's my challenge to you all, spread some positivity today. Compliment someone, do something nice for someone, or yourself. I love you all for who you are, and I'm really grateful to have you read my story. Honestly if any of you need something, I'm here. 
> 
> Okay so probably the next chapter will be fluffy, but most like sad. That is a common theme it seems. Okay good bye for now and pleasee spread some positivity. <3


	11. Love

**To:Frank**

**(10:01 pm)**

Can you come now? address is 35849 N 60th st

**From: Frank**

**(10:04 pm)**

Ya be ther soon. Im gettin in car rn

**To: Frank**

**(10:05 pm)**

Frank don’t drive up the driveway plz and come to the back gate. theyll wake up

**From: Frank**

**(10:07 pm)**

Mission impossible is a go! I will be a sneaky ninja coming to my princesses aid!

**To: Frank**

**(10:09 pm)**

Frank eyes on the road, and what you said was wrong on so many levels. be safe no texting and driving!!!!!!

I couldn’t stop reading over his last text, it was so cheesy that a cheesy smile founds its way on to my face. I had snuck out into the backyard, and was sitting in an cold metal sun chair. The grandparents lived in a pretty large house, it was secluded peaceful in a way, but it held many secrets in its walls as well.

There wasn’t any noise, as I sat and watched the stars. One of my favorite people in the world, who met her own tragic ends, use to tell me about the stars.

“Gee, you see these stars? They twinkle and shine, they’re always there no matter where you go. They disappear from sight during the day but they’re still there, hiding behind the bright blue, and all of the clouds. Gerard I want you to remember that. Remember that even though you can’t see them they’re still there. Remember that Gee, and remember that I love you.” She left me that night looking at the stars. She always had these grand ideas, and these unique ways of viewing the world. I will always remember those words, because they were her last. She didn’t leave a note, I suppose that was her note to me, telling me about the stars. I understood them finally I couldn’t see her physically anymore, but she would always be there, like the stars, looking down upon me.

“Kaaa Caaa Kaa Caaa!” My head whipped over to the gate to see Frank grinning like an idiot. I could help the giggle that came out, he was almost childish and I loved it. He unlocked the gate and sat cross legged across from me on the sun chair.

“Do you mind if I smoke?” He asked as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and put it between his lips. He had such lovely lips. No don’t think about that…

“I don’t care as long as I can bum one off you?” He smirked and lit the one that was dangling between his lips. I grabbed it from him and took a drag on it.

“Not fair! That was mine!” He pouted at me. “Plus are you even old enough to be smoking?”

“Thats for me to know and for you to not care about”

“So whats wrong, Mr. Mysterious?” I felt his eyes on me as he lit a new cigarette.

“The question Watson is not what's wrong, but what isn’t”

“Is that so Sherlock?”

“Quite” I laughed out. “But I guess I should probably tell you since I dragged your butt here this late at night. I owe it to you since you probably have better things to be doing.”

“You don’t owe me any explanation, Its my pleasure to come. I don’t have anything better to do, honestly I was going to watch horror movies until I passed out from exhaustion. Spending time with you is actually a step up from my sad plan.”

“You think?”

“Yes I do think! Thank you for asking.” I frowned at his stupid face, his beautiful hazel eyes had a mischievous glint to them.

“If I do tell you, you can’t interrupt okay?”

“I can do that, maybe, probably? But, honestly Gerard you don’t have to tell me. When can sit here in quiet, or talk about cats.”

“Cats?” This was honestly the first time someone wasn’t just brushing me away, or forcing it out of me. I felt warm, _safe?_ Ya safe, he wasn’t forcing me to do something, he was giving me choices. Wow.

“Gee? You're crying!”He moved towards me hand hovering near shoulder before being pulled back and placed in his lap. He remembered. I wiped at my eyes and smiled at him.

“Choices.” He furrowed his brow a little bit and I met his eyes, smiling slightly at him. “Its nice to have choices, its nice to have a person who will give you them.”

“Gerard can I hug you?” I thought about it, I didn’t like to be touched, he obviously knew it, but I really wanted a hug. I nodded and he pulled me into his arms. He was so warm, and comfortable, I burrowed my face against his chest. It was safe, I’d never really felt this way before, not even with Jacob. With Jacob I avoided touch, he forced it on me. Don’t you love me? If you loved me you’d let me touch you! Even with a simple hug, one that I initiated something always was there in the back of my head screaming ‘this isn’t right!!’

This hug, this simple hug, my head was clear. I could stay here forever, and I think Frank didn’t mind it at all. He didn’t pull away, just squeezed me harder. I slowly pulled away from and he looked a little disappointed. His hand reached up and I flinched away, he frowned but brushed some hair, that had fallen in my face, away tucking it behind my ear. I studied his face, taking it all in. His gorgeous hazel eyes, wide and kind. His black hair framing his face nicely. His soft looking lips with a lip ring he played with nervously. Did I make him nervous? He made me nervous, good nervous.

I made a decision then and hesitantly leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. I quickly pulled back, and covered my mouth with my hand. I was scared, what if he didn’t want me to do that? What if I just ruined our somewhat ‘friendship?’ I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my arms around myself, wishing to disappear.

“I’m so sorry Frank I really shouldn’t have done that, I won’t do th-”

He interrupted my apology, “Gerard stop, I’m not mad at you, you don’t need to apologize. I’ve wanted you to do that for the longest time. Whatever you're thinking just stop that, I will never, and I mean this. I will never deliberately hurt you or do anything that you don’t want me too. I couldn’t do that too you.” I opened my slowly and looked at his face. There wasn’t any anger, he was calm, his face looked worried, his eyes, sincere.

“Do you mean that?”

“Yes Gee, I promise that. If I break that promise you have the right to, uh i dunno stab me? Ya stab me or inflict what ever pain you think I deserve.” I laughed at him and he smiled at me.

“Hey Frank?”

“Ya Gee?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

“Please.” I leaned forward and he completed the distance between us, crashing his soft lips against mine. It was gentle, it was so full of something, something I wasn’t sure I would ever experience.

Love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merrrrr I don't know if I like this chapter tbh. I mean its the first real frerard-ness, but i just dunno. Its happy-ish. 
> 
> I have so many ideas for this story and for other stories I'm not even kidding you. The problem is I need to force myself to sit my bum down and write them. In college i need to like hire someone to remind me to do things since I'm going to be living on my own. Im sad like that, forget to eat, forget thing that someone just told me like 5 seconds ago. My heads a mess. I cant believe any of my stories make sense. 
> 
> I blab alot in these notes dont I? ANyways thanks for reading again ( and reading my notes if you actually do) It means alot <3


	12. An Idea!

We didn’t do much after that last kiss, just laid on the chair his arms wrapped around. When the pesky sun started to make its appearance Frank’s arms unraveled from around me.   
  
“I think I should go Gee. I can only guess that the people who I skillfully didn’t wake up, are gonna wake up soonish.” he whispered, his voice rough almost like he just woke up. I bowed my head disappointed at him wanting to leave, and nodded.  
  
“Hey look at me” Two finger gently raised my face, his eyes meeting mine. “I can always come back later, I just don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.” He was right about everything, they would be up soon, and if we were caught, well lets just say that I would need to get a coffin made. Actually make that two coffins.  
  
“How about tonight I take you to a movie after these people go off to na na land? Would that make up for me disappearing?”   
  
“Na na land?” I laughed out. “Ya a movie would be cool, but only a horror movie!” His eyes lit up as I said that.  
  
“A man after my own heart!” He dramatically clasped his hands against his chest. I couldn’t help but giggle at him.   
  
“And I got the perfect idea for afterwards!” he said excitedly.  
  
“Ideas suck.” I crinkled my nose at him.  
  
“Not this one! Trust me” I quirked an eyebrow at him. “Fine don’t trust me, but its a good one. You’ll see tonight.”   
  
“Noooo tell me nowww” I whined giving him puppy dog eyes.  
  
“Has anyone ever told you you're cute? Cause you are, but seriously puppy dog eyes aren’t gonna work on me.” He stood up and started walking to the gate, I trailed after him.   
  
“Tell mee, please or, or well I won't go with you tonight!”   
  
“Yes you will. Ten o’clock sharp Gerard!”  
  
“Please Frankie!!”   
  
He laughed. “Tonight Gee!” he sang, while walking down the driveway, disappearing around the corner a minute later. I stood, thinking about what just happened between the two of us. The wind tousled my hair and bit at my ankles. I wrapped my arms around myself, and just thought. How could I feel so comfortable around someone who’d I had only known for about two weeks. He said I was cute. He was cute. He called me Gee. I looked down and kicked a random stone in frustration and disbelief before turning and sauntering into the house.   
  
My first mission was making my breakfast, which consisted of coffee, coffee, and the ever popular coffee. If my coffee can take the varnish off the table than that is quality coffee, and it NEVER needs any of that fru fru shit, like “Tantalizing Vanilla Bean” coffee creamer. No thank you! Well, unless its the toilet water that Mikey likes.   
  
While the coffee maker gurgled, I took the opportunity to get a huge mug out of the cabinet. I had to stand on my toes, and I smirked at the thought of Frank trying to get the mug. He probably would have to stand on something. I frowned at that thought though, Frank was the only thing on my mind after being around him. He was kinda like the smell of a really good candle that lingers a few days after.   
  
I poured a cup of bliss and breathed in the heavenly fumes. Like the normal person I am, I sat on the counter and wrapped my hands around the cup. Don’t be quick to judge me, sitting on counters helps me think; its a change of perspective. And think is what I did; like the teenager I am my thoughts were only about Frank. I replayed the second kiss in my head a million times. The warmth from him holding me lingered, and his voice still seemed to echo in my head.   
  
Frank is what some people, I assume, would think to be a positive in my life. He kept my mind off a lot of things that I often dwell on. He gave my options, and didn’t pressure me. Is that what a healthy relationship is? Did I want that with him?  
  
I was snapped out of my inner monologue to my phone buzzing in my pocket.   
  
 **From: Frank  
(7:47 am)**  
10 oclock sharp. Amazing Idea after! dont beg me to tell, I will be asleep. night!(morning!?) xo  
  
 **To: Frank  
(7:48 am)**  
you are a dick  
  
 **From: Frank  
(7:49 am)**  
Lovable dick! now shush sleep xo  
  
Lovable, maybe. He made me laugh a lot, and smile at his stupid face. Is seeing a movie with him considered a date? Does he want it to be a date? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short!! I know!! dont shoot!! but its like a filler. cuz the next one might be fun? muhahaha an idea.... Btw im taking this whole relationship between them kinda slow because I want it to be realistic in a way. So basically no doing the do for a while longer (Promise it wont be like 10 chapters away).  
> Thanks for reading<3


	13. A Suprise and a Truth

I hid from the grandparents all day, working on some assignments. They didn’t question me, but my mum called and tried to convince my to come home. She tried to guilt me into coming home saying she was sorry for what Mikey did. She started crying and begging me, it was odd, but I told her as long as Mikey was still around I wouldn’t be and hung up on her. 

So the day continued uneventfully, and I took about five showers trying to calm my nerves. I hadn't been on a date in never. Jacob never took me out like this, he often said that he didn't want to be seen with me. 

I had to delay my getting dressed so it didn't look like I was going anywhere without their permission, but when I finally snuck out Frank was waiting at the bottom of the driveway.

“So how are you Gerard?” he questioned smiling at me.

“You’d have to check my handwriting.” He glanced at me looking confused, I shrugged, and he let it go, shifting the car into gear and driving down the street.

*  
The movie was quite possibly the cheesiest thing ever. Frank and I spent most of the time laughing, at the horrible attempts at the actors trying to be scary zombies. Also the makeup on them was atrocious a five year old could have done better. 

“So where we going?” I whined at him as we climbed into his car.

“We are going to a place, where my friend Ray works. We can act like stupid teenagers, and basically annoy Ray. Plus, there aren’t any people there except for a few of Ray’s co workers, so we can do whatever.” 

“telll meeee pleasse” I whined again sticking my bottom lip out pouting at him. 

“Denny’s, we are going to Denny’s to eat crappy milkshakes and fries, with cheese and jalapenos and basically the weirdest combination of crap you can imagine.” I wrinkled my nose at him, because ew. He laughed out “It’s good trust me.”

“Suree” I patronized him. He just shook his head laughing.

*

“This is perfect Frank really.”

“So you like my suprise?”

“Ha ya I really do. Who would have thought that going to Denny’s at midnight to get milkshakes and weird ass fries would be the perfect post-movie adventure?” 

“Someone named Frank. He’s an awesome dude, think you might like him Gerard.” He winked, what a smart ass.

“I probably would,” I looked down stirring the shake in front of me contemplating if I really wanted to talk to him. Explain things, just get everything I’d been holding in, out. “Frank, you know how you said you listen to whatever I had to say.” He nodded. “well I’d like to abuse you for a minute and just talk to someone. Is that okay?”

“Gee,” He smiled at me gently, “You’re not abusing me, I offered you my ears.”

“That’s true, just don't interrupt me okay? I don’t know if I could continue if you did.” He nodded and acted like he was zipping his mouth shut. I half smiled at him, to preoccupied trying to find the right place to start to laugh at his actions. 

“I guess,I should start off with the worst, so you know what you're putting up with.” I saw him frown at that, “To put it bluntly, I’ve tried to kill myself twice. First time I was in sixth grade, I was twelve,” I glanced up at him quickly and saw his eyes were huge. I adverted my gaze to my hands that layed on the table. “I don’t remember much about how I felt from it, I just remember feeling a little bit sick, but I didn’t take too much of it to hurt me, at all. My mum didn’t suspect anything, didn’t know I was, you know, trying to off myself. A few days after my failed attempt I ran away from school. Mikey that morning had told me he wished I was dead. I found it kinda funny, ironic really, because so did I. Mikey and I finally agreed on something. But I ran away, and I picked the best day for it, ha, it was raining so bad. Fitting now that I think of it. They found me before it night fell unfortunately, I was blue. Hypothermia apparently. They didn’t try and get me help, they didn’t even think something was wrong with me, they just grounded me, beat me, the usual.” I paused and took a sip of the milkshake. I refused to look at Frank, I didn’t want to see something I didn’t like on his face.

“They watched me like hawks, but see I went to really bad schools. So when I moved up to seventh and eighth grade, I tried a few things out. Kept my head from thinking fun thoughts. Any drugs I could get a hold of, I was using them. They never cared to see. My best friend then was a cocaine dealer” I laughed out bitterly at the memory. 

“So I wasted away in seventh and eighth grade, till I got to highschool. My family enrolled me in a high school that was rated number one in the country. I wasn’t too happy about that, I wasn’t smart enough to fit in at that school, But hey I thought maybe I could do this. Maybe I could turn my life around. This was my chance to impress my family. Show them that I could be someone. So I quit all the drugs cold turkey. God, the withdrawals, but I did it I got clean, and I worked my ass off. I made it through my freshman year okay. ALl of my classes where AP. I got mostly A’s and two B’s. I was damn proud of myself, but I showed them the grades and all I got from them was ‘why didn’t you try harder?’ That killed me, I had barely got any sleep, and I studied so god damn hard.” I slammed my hand down, angry and upset. I saw Frank jump slightly out of the corner of my eye. 

“Sophomore year, classes are even harder. I started not sleeping, and I started failing. I’d stay after school till seven o’clock getting teachers to help me understand. I didn’t. I started being bullied too. That was fun. It was all because I was stupid. They were all brilliant. THey got it. I didn’t. January of that year Jacob asked me out. I thought it was a cruel joke, but no he-” I paused taking a breath to try and calm down. “-he was generally interested in me, he was nice. He was a breath of fresh air. He was my first boyfriend, but things went south. As they always do. He wanted to do more then just make out. Then he started beating me, just like my family. I was with him for sixish months and I ended it because I was miserable. Everything was so miserable. Junior year came and I couldn’t understand anything. I started drinking any liquor I could get my hands on. I started self harming again after four years. I started taking these pills that made me numb to the world. I stopped eating. I asked my mum and grandparents to let me change schools, they told me not to be stupid. I decided for my own good to change schools in october. They told me i was ruining my life, little did they know how fucked up I already was.”

“So,” I breathed out, “the new school I had applied to told me they didn't want me a week before halloween. I flipped. I wrote my note. And I grabbed two bottles of prescription painkillers and some booze. I said goodnight to my mum, and I went to my room and downed the pills and booze and tried to sleep. My heart, it was beating so fast, I couldn’t sleep. The whole room was spinning and everything seemed so far away. My mum came in at four and woke me up to go to school. If I hadn’t gotten up, I would have died. I know I would have, but I got up and I puked everything up. I spent two days puking. She thought it was food poisoning. I shouldn’t have gotten up.” I let the tears fall, I couldn’t hold them in anymore.

“Frank, I shouldn’t have gotten up” I whispered out. I buried my face in my hands, and sobbed uncontrollably. I shouldn’t have gotten up. If I had just stayed there I would be dead. Everything would be done. 

~Frank’s POV~

I didn’t know what to do. I sat staring at Gerard shaking and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t process any of that. How could they not see how destroyed, and broken he was. How could they just blame him and not do anything to help him. 

He still wants to die. 

Thats the conclusion I came to, that propelled me out of my seat to wrap Gerard in my arms. I had to comfort him, I had to make sure he knew there was someone that cared. He didn’t stiffen when my arms enveloped him, but he instead wrapped himself around me, grabbing my shirt and burying his face into my chest, bawling. 

“Listen to me Gee, you got up for a reason. You didn’t die for a reason. You’re still here for a reason. The world isn’t done with Gerard Way. Gee look at me…” He pulled back slightly and looked at me, tears still spilling down his red cheeks. “Gee, the world still needs you. There’s something you’re meant to do, that’s why you got up. That’s why you didn’t pass on.”

“Why can’t the world be fucking done with me?” He sobbed out, his fist hitting my chest in frustration. 

“Gee listen, okay? The world isn’t done with you because there are people you need to meet, things you need to do. There are people who are going to need you.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“Who’s going to ever need me? Really? Look at me, Frank! The one person who might have needed me decided to kill herself!”

“Gee, look okay, I need you.” He pulled away from me, his lip curled in disgust. 

“Fuck you. You're just saying that to get in my pants. You don’t need me for anything more that someplace to put your dick!” He screamed at me. A waiter who was walking out of the kitchen turned around and went back in. Gerard was fuming. 

“Gerard, please, I never ask that of you.”

“But you're not denying that you wouldn’t want me for that. Move I’m leaving.” He face went cold.

“Listen, you're absolutely gorgeous, but I wouldn’t hurt you like that. I’m never going to use you Gerard. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re so pure and beautiful, I can’t even fathom how people have hurt you so much. Gee I just, I want you to be okay. I want you to be whole. I want you to be happy, with or without me. If you don’t want me near you just tell me and I won’t bother you. If you want someone to listen, or to hold you when you cry I’ll be there. Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it.” I hoped he believed me. I know it had to be almost impossible to trust someones words, but God he had to try and believe me.

We sat in silence studying each other. Gerard wasn’t expressing anything. His face was like stone. Finally he sighed and he seemed to deflate from his tense stance.

“You mean it?” 

“I swear my life on it. Give me one chance to pro-” I was interrupted with his mouth crashing into mine. I was shell shocked, and didn’t realize what he just did till he pulled away. His eyes still puffy and red from crying, but there was a hint of happiness in his rich and innocent hazel eyes. 

“I believe it, or I want to believe you,” he started. “I mean you didn’t run out the door when I explained most of it. So that means something.” He smiled his crooked grin at me. “Means alot.” He finished.

His hands were on either side of my face as he pulled me in for another kiss. This time I was ready, and I moved with him, deepening the kiss. 

“Um, hi uh,” We pulled apart from each other, blushing like crazy as we realized ray was standing next to the table. “Sorry, heres your check, my shifts ending so ya… I’ll leave it here.” He slid the a receipt on the table and walked off quickly. I looked over at Gerard, and started laughing. 

“Poor Ray,” Gerard said smiling. 

“He’ll get over it, he’s ray, like the nicest person to ever walk this earth.” I put a twenty on the table. “You want to go home? It’s pretty late.” 

“No, but I guess I have to.” 

“Well I can make it up to you maybe? I’m playing at this bar tomorrow night, you want to come?” 

“Ya, but I’m not old enough to be in a bar.”

“Gee, you’d get in with the band. I can pick you up at nine?” 

“I can live with that.” he smiled again, and I felt my heart skip a beat. 

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't edit, because I couldn't bring myself to re-read it. Its personal you know? maybe not. Sorry I haven't really been updating. I just found out that a person whose literally my best friend, doesn't want to talk to me anymore because i'm annoying, and a waste of his time. So ya here, have this unedited crap chapter. I wish I could of edited it but it was extremely hard to just write it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, what do you think? I don't know if i want to continue it. Its kinda personal in a way. I don't know tell me what you think I should do. Thanks for reading ^-^


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